Beginning – Part I

Where do I begin? I guess the main thing on my mind right now is this CML thing – Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia. It would have gone undetected were it not for a very observant and caring doctor who noticed I was looking a bit pale!

This was less than two weeks before we were due to leave for the Philippines on a mission trip. I had gone to the doctor for some travel medicine in case of “Delhi Belly”.

“Yer lookin’ a liddle bit pale, me dear!” he said in his charming Irish way. He scooted over (on his chair), looked inside my lower lids and sent me off with a requisition for blood tests. Two days later, he called to say he wanted to see me first thing in the morning. The blood test had shown lots of abnormal levels. I had not been sick or had any kind of infection, but the white blood cell count was high. Immediately, I thought of leukemia, and that night lay awake with this possibility looming large.

Because Doc’s wife is a hematologist, he showed it to her and she said it looked like CML was probable. So he booked me for a specialist for when I got back and another blood test was done to look for a particular marker for the disease. In the meantime, he prescribed some meds to treat the symptoms for while I was away.

I went through a range of emotions, from stunned and numb, to sadness, to guilt feelings and finally to courage and faith in the love and lordship of Jesus over my life. I was hopeful that this diagnosis would soon be reversed. I felt no anxiety and although I knew there was a certain risk to travelling with my blood as it was, I had no fear of any emergency. Close friends and family were praying for me and I felt safe in the Lord’s care. I asked God that he would help me not to focus on myself so that this tentative diagnosis would not interfere with my work in the Philippines. For the most part it didn’t, though I did feel pretty tired at times.

Yeah, but how did you really feel?

Truthfully, I never had a day of fear or anxiety for myself. Perhaps I was in denial, because the final results were not in. Or perhaps God was giving me grace to “not be anxious about anything” (Phil. 4:6), reminding me of Jesus’ words: “Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?” (Luke 12:25). The latter “perhaps” is what I choose to believe, for with the Lord I find comfort, encouragement and fullness of life in spite of my circumstances. Without him is darkness and despair and energy sapped by fear and anxiety.

That’s all for today.

~ by Sunshine on December 22, 2007.