The Way

I wish to try to explain the process that has got me out from the boggy jungle I mentioned just yesterday.

As I read scripture with the desire to know Jesus better, to grow closer to him, I sensed Him speaking to me with love, as He spoke to Peter who had begun to sink as he walked on the water:

“Immediately, Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. ‘O you of little faith,’ He said,’why did you doubt?’” (Matthew 14:31).

I recalled that I only needed faith as little as a mustard seed, and I knew I had that much - I believed He was at work in me and that healing is in His presence, though I couldn’t see it or feel it right then. I declared that together we would get through this jungle and back onto dry land. Saints of old taught that the most valuable spiritual lessons and growth occur during times of adversity. Reading Hebrews 2:10, I saw that even Jesus was made perfect through suffering! Then I went on to read:

“Therefore, fix your eyes on Jesus . . .” (Hebrews 3:1).

I went back to reading Matt. 14, where people brought their sick to Him and those who touched His cloak were healed. I responded, “Surely, I am near enough to touch your cloak!” and it was like a light went on in the darkness of the jungle, so bright that I couldn’t see the oppressive encroaching vegetation any more - All I could see was Jesus - not as a man, but a presence. (It’s hard to describe.) And I suddenly knew in a deeper way what Jesus meant when He said, “I AM the Way . . .” There is no path apart from Him. I had been looking for Him to show me a path to follow. But He IS the path. I sensed Him saying,

“In me, you will never die. With me, you will live the abundant life, no matter the circumstances. In me, you are lifted above it all . . .”

I guess this is what an “epiphany” is. I have a totally different outlook now - outward circumstances haven’t changed, but I have. Perhaps if I had not felt lost in the jungle for a few weeks, I would never have seen Jesus in quite this way. The misery of the past has telescoped into a moment of memory while the glory of the present stretches out into the future.

Funny, that.

By the way, thanks for your prayers. God is good!

Bogged Down . . .

Hi, everyone. I’m back . . . sort of. I haven’t been writing because I’ve been bogged down lately, and not known how to put it into words. I’m still not sure if this will be worth the read, but for my own sake, I have to try.

Remember when I wrote about the adventure - how I felt like I was white-water rafting? And then I was floating along on smooth waters? Well, the raft seems to have taken a small tributary that ended in a bog! I told Bob this afternoon that I felt like I was lost in a jungle and could not see any way through.

Olympic National Park, WA

It doesn’t make sense. Aside from this aberrant emotional state, things are going well. The CML medication is working very well and all my blood tests are normal; we went on a great mini-vacation to the ocean on the Olympic Peninsula a couple of weeks ago. . .

View from our cabin - Quilleute Reservation, WA

I am looking forward to a visit next month with my precious family and friends back in Ontario; our preparations to move onto the boat when we return are coming along nicely; we have a summer of cruising the beautiful southern BC coast planned; and in the Fall, we’ll be moving back home to Ontario. So, I say with the psalmist:

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Saviour and my God” (Psalm 42:5).

I know that God is faithful and loves me and is with me, but I can’t find comfort in this truth right now. My eyes have been on the tangled growth around me and on the mire sucking around my ankles. I need to get my eyes back on you, Lord. Help me!

“Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me . . . to the place where you dwell” (Psalm 43:3).

I was doing so well in the beginning. I’m usually on a pretty even keel.

Now, at times, I am barely keeping my head above the water, like this humpback whale!

Bob thinks I’m down because of some symptoms I have been having lately that may or may not be side-effects of the medication.

Please pray for me. I will not wait so long to report.

One good thing I can see is the humbling factor in all this!

Just Thinking . . .

Matt. 10:16-19 “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves . . . On my account . . . they will arrest you . . .”

Jesus had just given his apostles power and authority to heal and to deliver from sickness and evil spirits. Along with this authority, he gave a warning that persecution will come - like a “package deal”. We know from scripture’s and history’s records that persecution often did come. As a result, the good news was disseminated far and wide. God was ultimately glorified.

Some expect that persecution will come in the form of spiritual attack on health and finances and loved ones as we step out in obedience to God, but there is something that just doesn’t sit right with me in that expectation. I have even heard people say that such opposition is a sign that we who are seeking to follow Jesus must be doing something right - we are a real threat to the enemy. (This tends to glorify us more than God, doesn’t it?)

Well, there may be some truth in that belief, but what about all God’s promises of protection and provision, strength and blessing for those who fear and love Him? Surely they count for more than the threats of the enemy! If the devil consistently succeeds in taking us down either before or after every bit of Kingdom work, shouldn’t that indicate that we must also be doing something wrong?

I may be missing something, because I am still learning about spiritual things. Perhaps persecution does come in these forms. What I have seen so far, though, is that it came to Paul through men’s opposition - men undoubtedly under the influence of evil, through ignorance, pride, lust, selfish ambition or any number of sinful entryways for the influence of Satan - but still, through the agency of sinful man.

I believe it could be my own choices that make me vulnerable to enemy attack. The devil is always on the prowl, seeking whom he may devour, kill, rob or destroy. If I am making foolish or sinful choices, I make myself vulnerable. I am not sure about this, especially since the recent CML diagnosis I am dealing with - I’d rather not believe it is a result of anything in me that has opened the way for it. On the other hand, if it is something I have done, then as soon as I find out what it is, I can hope to regain some control of my life through repentance and trusting in God’s mercy. (I confess, I kind of like this idea of control!)

Perhaps the test should be, “Does this glorify God?” I can’t see how sickness, financial setbacks and relational troubles glorify God. However, I am pretty sure the early believers who were fed to the lions couldn’t see how their suffering did either, unless the Lord gave them a revelation to strengthen them.

Even so, I choose to believe that God’s promises have more weight than the devil’s threats, and that even when we do get taken down through sickness and other troubles, the Lord is with us to heal and deliver and bring good out of any situation to those who love and worship Him in Spirit and in truth. I choose not to dwell on what the enemy might do or might have done, for that gives him glory, perhaps even relinquishing to him again the power that has been restored to us in Jesus’ name. I will, by God’s grace, believe that God is true to His word and that He in me is greater than he who is in the world!

Back to the Future

Ontario Winter, watercolour, 2004

We’re getting ready to go home to Ontario. Everyone thinks we are crazy, what with the record snowfall in the Hamilton area this winter, and I guess we are crazy - about our kids and grandkids.

Besides that, though, we feel our purpose for coming here in the first place has been fulfilled and that to stay on would be like marching in place - energy expended but going nowhere!

We are not just going back to our old lifestyle, to the way things were. We will still be associated with Impact nations, and going on missions from time to time - just from a different home base.

Besides that, we believe that there is something new for us there. First of all, we may not even be able to move into our own home right away. Secondly, we have had a growing conviction that we will find like-minded people back there who share our desire to follow Jesus from adventure to adventure in close fellowship with one another, as we’ve been blessed to have found here.

“Grace”, Reid Harbor, San Juan Islands, 2007

We will miss our dear friends here and the beauty of the west coast. Before we go, though, we are planning to move onto the boat in June and take a long sailing vacation up the BC coast, perhaps to Desolation Sound and environs. In an ideal world, we will be able to keep our boat here and come back for a sailing vacation each summer. We’ll see . . .

Good Report

I saw the hematologist today. The last blood test shows my white blood cells and platelets remaining at normal levels and my Hgb nearly normal at 113. Yay! That explains why I’m feeling so good lately!

Not only that, it usually takes 3 months for this level of response and this report had been only 9 weeks into the treatment. So, double Yay! !

My Daddy in heaven is lookin’ after me . . . I think He loves me.

“Doing Without” - A Virtue?

This is what I thought the Lord was saying to me yesterday:“You have made a virtue out of doing without, or with little.”

Watercolour, Workers in a Vineyard

(based on a painting by an old master whose name I don’t know)

Today as I revisited these thoughts, I realized I also fear becoming used to abundance and then losing it. I use this self-imposed “virtue” to protect myself from disappointment or loss - I won’t miss what I never had. (On top of all this, I feel guilty having even as much as I do allow myself to have because I have seen the absolute destitution of some people in other parts of the world.)

I have a hunch these attitudes are not entirely in line with God’s ways, for He also said that He longs to pour out His love on me lavishly, but my lack of understanding and belief that He is like this gets in the way. I still see Him as the Provider of all my needs. That is unshakable. What I can’t get my mind around is His lavish generosity toward me.

One evidence of His great love is the deep joy I have in my marriage. It wasn’t always this way, but as Bob and I grow in the knowledge (experience) of God’s love, we are empowered to better love each other. . .

A few weeks ago, I got in touch with how much I miss my family and home back in Ontario. Then some things happened that seemed to point to our soon return. I was really looking forward to it, making plans, even beginning lists of things to do to get ready for a move.

Today, a major factor in our decision to go home this year was reversed. Now, I feel disappointed, and angry with myself for letting myself hope for something I really want.

Do you think the enemy of my soul wants to keep me imprisoned in my self-protective cocoon?

You see, this “doing without” is not just referring to material goods, which are not that important to me anyway. It permeates my whole attitude toward life, robbing me of joy for fear of being overwhelmed with sorrow. I thought I had learned that lesson when God encouraged me to allow myself to fully experience the joy of being a grandparent when our first grandson was born 16 1/2 years ago. I have been paying for opening my heart these last couple of years (with the sorrow of being so far away), but I would have missed out on 14 years of joy in my grandchildren before we did actually move away. I would have lived a half-life instead of the abundant life Jesus came to give us.

Besides, God has enriched us by being here in ways we would have missed if we had stayed in our former way of life. So there has been joy of a different nature while here.

I believe He has more for me to experience of His abundance. I don’t know how it will all play out, but I have placed my hand in His once again, saying, “Lead on!”

Wholly/Holy in Love

“Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons [and daughters] of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. . . Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matt. 5:44-48).

What? Be perfect like you, God? That seems impossible. What can this mean? Some translations say, “Be holy . . .” Holiness is slightly different. I think it sort of means apartness or otherly-ness, set apart from the ordinary. You, God, are wholly “other”, wholly holy. There is none like you. Yet you call us to be like you in some ways: in loving all you have made, for example; not just good people, not just our friends and family, but also strangers, our enemies and even evil people.

Does loving unconditionally as you do make us perfect like you? Elsewhere, scripture says love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter4: - I think that means our own as well as those of others.

This is why love must be our motive in all we do if it’s to count for anything of eternal worth. Good deeds done out of fear, guilt, pride or selfish ambitions of all sorts are fruitless, unless redeemed by you. I know I’m often motivated by selfish aims - trying to earn your love and favor or a good name and the praises of men. (The former is not possible and the latter doesn’t last!)

Merciful Father, I want the unconditional love you show me to flow from me to others, to the unlovable, to strangers, to people who are unkind or unjust to me or my family and friends; love for others that overshadows my self-love and self-protectiveness.

I have hope for this through Jesus whose perfect love has covered my sins and given me a new heart - a heart that wants to live and move in a spirit of love, perfect love from your Spirit who lives in me.

Good News

I am so thankful! I saw Dr. T today, and learned that my blood tests show that things are nearly back to normal levels! My Hgb is a little low still at 10.5 but this is not much lower than my lifetime normal of 11.5, so I don’t feel any ill effects other than having a little less stamina at exercise class. And the side-effects of the Imatinib (Gleevec) are diminishing. So, all who have been concerned for me, celebrate with me, and receive my heartfelt thanks for your prayers and kind thoughts.

I celebrated with a cartwheel (maybe showing off a little . . .)

Our church held a seminar on dream interpretation recently. I didn’t go because, having taken a similar course many years ago and spent an inordinate amount of time writing down and puzzling out the meanings of the many dreams I had, I felt I was far too introspective for my own or anyone else’s good! I believe the safest practice is to take the dreams before the Lord and ask for the interpretation. This is what I sensed Him saying as I asked Him about a couple of vivid dreams I had this week:

“I am always speaking to you, Spirit to spirit, whether you are awake or asleep. When you need to understand with your mind in order to take action of any kind, I will alert you, you will seek me and you shall know what I am saying. Just as I spoke in parables once, now I continue to speak in such a way that you must rely on the Holy Spirit for understanding.

But many of your dreams do my deep hidden work in you without your mind’s involvement, much as your breathing or digestion, for example, go on without your conscious involvement. These dreams are sent to keep you mentally and emotionally healthy. So you don’t need to remember and interpret all your dreams. You can just be thankful and trust that I am always speaking life, love and guidance to you.”

One of my dreams helped me determine to be patient as I wait for my health to be restored, showing me that the delay in answering my cries for help does not mean I am not being heard, and that help will come in good time. Thank you, Lord.

Bye-Bye Loneliness!

Hooray, I’m not sad and lonely any more! Bob returned from India today, after a very encouraging and successful water-filter training week in Chillakallu, Andrha Pradesh. He and some others had a bit of tummy trouble from some bad water on the last few days - ironic, eh? Possibly because of the higher number of people visiting the compound during the training, they had to buy bottled water on the second last day to supplement the filtered water (from the CAWST Bio-sand water filter that we installed last year). They believe the bottled water must have been contaminated! So the filter really works, even for westerners!

This photo shows a filter being installed at a village school.

I thank God that I am feeling fine - other than getting easily tired at times, no symptoms of leukemia, just mild side effects from the medication. These should disappear as my body adjusts to it. The hematologist says I should be able to travel again by mid- to late March. This is when we hope to return to the Philippines to train some more people who will take the filters to outlying islands and remote areas in the mountains, provided the financing is there.

 

Feeling Sad

Bob left for India yesterday morning and I’m missing him. It’s so quiet here without him. When I mentioned this to my friend Heidi, she remarked that we were always quiet people anyway and I said, “Yeah, but we like to listen to each other breathe.” (Sigh)

I found this picture of Matthew holding a tearful Christopher (two of my precious grandchildren) and saw how it expressed my feelings this afternoon as I talked to my heavenly Daddy about having CML and the possibility of my years being shortened. I was telling him that I would really like to go home soon and be with my family for as long as I’ve got, and I was surprised by tears! I hadn’t realized how deep that longing is.

Then I thought about Bob and how sad he would be without me, his Sunshine. Who would he sing that funny song to? Would he mope around and turn into a grumpy old man? How could my untimely death bring good to him? You alone know that, Lord.

I want something from this battle with CML. I want the people around me to be drawn closer to God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I want to bring honour and praise and thanksgiving to God for his goodness, his love and his power on our behalf. It is only by the gift of his Spirit within me that I can face this trouble with the peace that I have so far experienced. I am not afraid. I have hope of healing, but if that shouldn’t happen, I have hope that the medication will put it into remission. If that doesn’t happen, I have hope of eternal life and hope that somehow the Lord will work all things together for good.

It’s a bit presumptuous probably, but my prayer is like that of Jesus: Take this cup of suffering from me; but your will, not my will, be done.